Oompa Loompa Union Negotiating for Better Pay and a Comprehensive Health Care Program

Over the last 47 years, Oompa Loompas have become more and more competitive with one another and more and more dissatisfied with their pay and benefits packages which have always been negotiated on an individual or departmental basis. This has created a disparity of income and jealousy within the Oompa Loompa community. Traditionally, Oompa Loompas have been provided housing and clothing tailor made to their unique ethnic body types and received payment in various forms of chocolate, with the darker varieties holding a premium status among the workers. Now, while chocolate remains a valuable commodity, the workers want to receive monetary compensation and health benefits in addition to the customary confections.

The Oompa Loompas have formed a union, called the OoLoo Union, to negotiate collectively for all the workers. Wonka insists that the traditional chocolate diet is the ‘nature made’ diet that is ideal for Oompa Loompas. He says he is concerned that cash compensation for work will create further jealousy and infighting among the community. “Introducing misguided dietary ‘junk food’ such as carrots, lettuces, and cucumbers into their diets will likely cause expensive health problems never seen before among the Oompa Loompa population,” said Wonka.

Union spokeswoman, Lolly Pop, responded by saying, “Our diets should be our own business and not that of our employer. Besides, if we have a good health care plan, the workers will be able to address and manage any health concerns with their doctors.”

Wonka countered, “If the factory suddenly has to deal with sick employees, it may compromise the cleanliness and sterility of the factory itself, forcing a price increase at the same time marking a decrease in quality standards. This would be simply intolerable.”

On another note, the controversy has drawn the attention of U.S. Immigration officials who now want “clear documentation that these short, tubby people are here with the proper paperwork and visas and that they are not taking jobs that could be done by current citizens of the U.S. Otherwise, they will have to go back to the jungle they came from,” said an unidentified agent.

“If things don’t work out here, I may have to close the factory completely and move production overseas,” Wonka stated.

Market analysts are predicting an across-the-board increase in all Wonka products, causing the already premium price of the confections to rise even higher.

*Note: This blogger has no connection to the Nestle company, any Oompa Loompas, or any company or business officially or unofficially associated with Willy Wonka, Charlie Bucket, Mr. Slugworth, or any other individual with an interest in the Candy Factory.

This post was inspired by a dinner-table conversation with my children as to why Wonka candy seems to be more expensive than other similar candies at the store. This is a work of fiction, please don’t call the factory asking why the Oompa Loompas or Mr. Wonka are being treated in such a manner.